Filling In For The Internet

Have you noticed the number of calorie-counting sites on the internet? Yeah, me too. There are at least a trillion. Unfortunately, with great power comes great responsibility. (That co-opted quote has nothing to do with anything but I have heard it at least 5 times in the past two days so why not throw it in?) Calorie counting, by nature, exacts change with control and hyper-consciousness, and, well, those things have a lot to do with disordered eating, so is it healthy?

I went to the internet to find out. Instead of finding voices that sounded like mine, there were a lot of diet pages that weren't so healthy themselves. I didn't understand how no one was discussing this, as dieting is such a huge issue. Sometimes you ask and the internet answers, though, and a week later, I saw this post on Jezebel about my very question: Is calorie counting worth the effort and anxiety? The answer seems to be no. And I do think that for people who are relatively in touch with their eating habits, it's a routine that can quickly and unnecessarily spiral out of control. (Here is another interesting article that came shortly after the first, providing some follow-up inspiration.)

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've spent the past nine months slowly altering my exercise and eating habits. As I've been overweight, um, my entire life, I know what it takes to diet. I went to a nutritionist at 7 and Weight Watchers at 10, and felt that the only way to be rewarded with many members of my family was through weight loss. Even today, talking to my grandma or other family members about weight comes down to these inescapable value judgments. What's funny is that, despite my grandma understanding this, she still brought up in conversation the other day how this one just lost weight and that one is down a few sizes again. All the women in my family are infamous for yo-yo dieting, so why is choosing a healthy lifestyle inferior to dropping 20 pounds in a month? (Hint: results! The latter is much more glamorous.)

I started by documenting my exercise progress only, hoping that exercise would be enough to lose weight at first. But no matter how good it felt to make myself active again, my small wins felt overshadowed. I went home and my weight loss went basically unnoticed, or it was eclipsed by my brother who managed to drop 30 pounds in what seemed like minutes (to my, yes, 9 months). My small progress didn't matter anymore, and my exercise routine fluctuated with my self-doubt. It was a few weeks ago when I finally realized that I'd have to start monitoring my calorie intake if I wanted faster results. I was hesitant; when I went through boxes at my grandma's, I found old notebooks I kept during high school diets with meticulously-documented calories, drawings of the body I had versus the body I wanted, pages of self-criticism. So to modify the original question: is it possible to have a history of weight issues and still count calories without being crazy?

For myself, the measure is temporarily required, so I decided to add a safeguard: my friend, Joanna. I often lament not having someone who has similar weight issues in the same city as me. It would be nice to have a motivator but also a person who can entirely relate to that struggle. (Worrying about my ass jiggling too much as we run through the park is a legitimate struggle and one that I worry Anne doesn't always understand--not to mention, my fat ass slows her down.) While Joanna and I got ourselves into some bad habits as teens, testing out diet pills and crash diets and cutting calories to unhealthy lows, I feel that we can do the opposite now. I made her take a vow of no crazy: there will be no criticism unless it is asked for, and only encouragement for accomplishments (no competitions). In writing down our calories, we can check each other, which means no one can eat too little and having another pair of eyes on me means I won't (always) eat too much. Joanna required a little more motivation, and since we're both a little obsessive (I monitor my monthly budget to the dollar), I decided to write down some ground rules, just in case I feel like following them. (They're a little fat-girl [slash me] specific...sorry about that?) So in case someone was searching the internet, trying to find a healthy-not-crazy way to think about counting calories when trying to lose a bit (a lot) of weight, here are some things to remember and, hopefully, truly believe:

1. I am writing things down in order to make better choices. The things that I eat are not a reflection of me except that they are changeable, and I hope to be as well.
2. Every day should not be a struggle but an opportunity to choose a healthy lifestyle.
3. I will not let writing things down devalue food and the enjoyment it offers. I will not restrict myself the things I enjoy, but, rather, learn to be satisfied with smaller portions.
4. Every day is a new day, every meal a new meal. I will view them separately and they will not impact each other negatively. I will study progress over time and work on my problem areas.
5. If I feel myself becoming unhappy and berating myself over food, I will rethink the reasons why I am disappointed in myself and remind myself of all the ways I am a successful woman.
6. Writing down what I eat is only a way to help myself learn and get used to a different lifestyle. The ultimate goal is not to lose weight but to become a healthier person who views food in a positive way.
7. There are reasons why I use food for emotional fulfillment, and as I make progress, I will need to explore my relationship with food and addictive tendencies. As I restrict food, I cannot allow obsession over restriction. I can also not allow a transferring of behavior to another addiction.

Last note: turns out, it's really hard (and embarrassing) to monitor this shit when you're drinking a lot. So...restricted drinking, that might be on the list. Might. Let's think about it.