All-Over-The-Place Rambling About Smart Girls

I know that Amy Poehler's "Smart Girls at the Party" web-series has been featured on quite a few feminist websites (and even in my "To Make Your Life Better" section), but I just have to talk about it (and what it means) some more in case you guys haven't seen it.

I know it sounds silly but watching each episode makes me absolutely giddy, especially when the theme song/dance party comes on with Kristen Wiig and Will Arnett rocking out. I wish that this sort of thing existed when I was little, but I suppose it didn't have to; we had Clarissa Darling and Blossom and Angela Chase, as well as numerous girls that we could see on TV that represented us. Obviously, TV shouldn't be the most important place to gain self-esteem, but it's always important to feel represented and celebrated. I'm pretty sure that at eight and nine, I didn't question whether or not it was o.k. to be a smart girl and have friends who wanted to be the same things I did--teachers, lawyers, writers, chefs, and moms all at once. Now, I feel like I have to retroactively protect that young version of myself because somewhere along the line, it did become weird to be smart, opinionated, ambitious, and, well, a know-it-all. So when I see things like this show, I do feel that sense of community that Amy Poehler refers to, and it makes me want to change everything, past and present, for me and for others.

And Amy's right about looking back on those middle school years and feeling a sense of shame. But before that, as a child, it felt right to be the best artist in my class and to make fun of boys when they were being dumb and to kick the kickball as hard as I could no matter who was watching. So at what point do we learn to feel inferior? When did I start to feel self-conscious in classes for getting high scores? When did I start to blush when answering questions and wonder if everything I said was stupid? When did it become acceptable for girlfriends to stop standing up for each other and start being quiet around their boyfriends or other boys? When did it become so embarrassing to declare oneself a feminist? I've had numerous discussions about female relationships lately, and it makes me sad to think I'll never feel as good about myself and as proud of my abilities as I did as an eight-year-old with my best friend by my side. We were playing with dolls and imagining marriage, but we were also questioning everything and talking to whoever would listen about important topics. Now, there is constant need to protect myself--from mean girls at work (I'm being specific and not generalizing), from people who make me feel like I'm lesser, from friendships that reinforce unhealthy behavior, from myself for being influenced by those things around me.

In high school, I was part of a circle of smart girls but we certainly weren't celebrating ourselves. We had so much fun just doing our own thing, being nerdy and laughing with each other, but we still felt wrong. We were always missing the big parties and the boyfriends, working on homework and at our part-time jobs instead. Now, even though I can count my closest girlfriends on one hand, I find myself amazed to be surrounded by such intelligent, strong women. Circumstantially or otherwise, I have like-minded, brilliant friends and I want to find a way to celebrate that community and those attributes that currently seem very unimportant culturally instead of reinforcing that feeling that we're not good enough. We're the fun ones, we're the ones that people want to be around (or at least the ones that I want to be around).

The other day, I was expressing my sense of sadness over my current situation to a guy friend; being unemployed has derailed my goals for myself, and after trying so hard to build myself up after crappy circumstances, it's been very difficult to have no control over my success at this point. Working hard was always my way to control my place in the world when I could control so little, and it feels now as if the bottom fell out. He told me it's not that bad, that I'm only 24, and this made me feel a little bit better (though I do compare myself to other women my age and always feel overwhelmed about where I stand). But, while I don't want to beat myself up, I never want to lose the standards that I (and I alone) have set for myself. Wouldn't it be great if we created stronger communities where we built each other up, nourished these high expectations, and acted as rungs for each other? Obviously this isn't a new idealized concept, but I think it's good to remind ourselves once in a while how strong and important female relationships can be.

Amy Poehler and her crew did this in their small way and I think it'll eventually have a ripple effect. This backlash of celebrated female ignorance will have to cause a turn-around eventually, as that's how these things work. They're trying to tell us that women are less happy in the aftermath of feminism, but that's like saying black Americans were less happy in the aftermath of the Civil Rights Movement. I mean, we can have more rights legally and still not be able to feel equal culturally; some things changing doesn't mean the past is erased. The point is, we didn't get "everything we asked for" because we couldn't control the environment. So now we have Rock of Love Bus and The Hills as well as Sotomayor and Clinton. But we're finding out that we actually do the same (if not better) in math, that we perform poorly when we're made to feel lesser, so the celebrating and equalizing will have to follow eventually. Until then, let's just declare "smart girls have more fun" like the theme song, and be proud of each other.

In case you don't feel like watching each episode, this bonus interview video features Amy, Meredith (producer), and Amy (music coordinator) talking about each girl that they interviewed for the show and why they came up with the concept in the first place.