[I'm using the patronizing we here. I do not hate Kate Gosselin, but you monsters seem to.] In honor of my last post, I feel the need to sound off on something that absolutely everyone is sick of at this point because that's what I do. I don't want to get into the media drama or the divorce or the ethics related to kids on reality TV, but I do want to discuss the 99% hate for Kate Gosselin. I've been watching the show since the first special, before it was even a show, and I really feel like I know this family, in that twisted way only people of recent generations can feel they really know reality TV personalities.
Meaghan, my loudest and most opinionated friend, went on a hate rant last night about Kate and I just don't get it. I mean, her hair and religiosity aside (which is much more palatable than anything the Duggars say), I'm not sure what about her personality is so causing of vitriol. Since I have been a longtime fan of the show, I've read a lot of people's opinions and comments on the recent media frenzy and they are pretty hateful. Basically, Kate is a bitch and a nag and a horrible, mean woman so she deserved everything she got. Free at last, thank God almighty, Jon Gosselin, the big man-baby is free at last. As I see it, we don't really have a lot of these female personalities on t.v. nowadays; when a wife and mother is represented, she is less type-A and more submissive. And if more sarcastic/bitchy sides are shown, they are harpooned for comic relief (for example, Carrie from King of Queens). Roseanne existed once but would her show be able to make it in right now? I doubt it.
Even at the time, a lot of people didn't like what she represented. I saw a recent interview where Roseanne said she pretty much had to offer her views of feminism in a natural and less overt way or she risked female opposition. And it's true. Despite us feeling a certain way about equality, we still believe that marriages between men and women require a dominant/submissive balance. I can't help but think that the hatred toward Kate is caused by the fact that we aren't used to seeing women act like she acts, which is in control of her family and with a tight grip on her husband. I just don't see what's wrong with that. Like I said, the decisions made around the show aside, I've only seen her offer love and fair discipline to her children, and her "snapping" and "nagging" with her husband always struck me as quite necessary. Some people are followers, some leaders, and some in-between; Jon seems to need a lot of direction for someone who decided to have eight children. He obviously knew her personality traits when he married her, and they were a good enough fit for him then. The man is not a victim!
So it really bothers me when women I know or read with equally aggressive personalities as Kate and I attack her. Is it a self-hating thing? I don't know. But I do recognize many personality traits in her and I know how hard it is to be yourself when you feel like maybe you're being too "masculine." She just is who she is and he is who he is, and I honestly think unions like theirs can work if there is communication. I saw Kate trying during interviews, and I also saw her last night suffering in the aftermath because Jon chose to cheat and run instead of standing up and facing his marital/personal problems like a married man should do. And that's what pisses me off about marriage and divorce; if we insist on it existing, we should probably take the actual union a little more seriously. Kate states Jon has a lot of anger but will not communicate with her, and then the camera shows him sitting there all nonchalant: "I don't hate Kate." I'm just a child and would rather run from my obligations than deal with my feelings and relationship. You have eight children; try therapy if you find her too bossy and OCD.
Um, anyway. I just feel like this backlash against Kate is a betrayal of different types of women/personalities/relationships. My grandmother, one of the most important female role models in my life, was very dominating and, well, shouty with my grandpa. She was a talkative, loud, and smart Italian lady, but she also took care of her four children, cooked him every meal, and nursed my grandfather after he had heart attacks/strokes for years. My grandfather worked crazy hours, supported his wife, and told her he loved her every single day. He was quiet and a little sheep-like, so I think he enjoyed my grandmother's need to take charge and keep things in order. He didn't need things to be his way, so why not let them be hers? As a child, I was very close to my grandpa and I'd get angry with my grandma for shouting at him. I'd defend his honor but he'd just laugh it off. It worked for him, it worked for her, and I learned to ignore the squabbles. On the other hand, my dad is more of a dominating figure while my step-mom tends to follow the more traditional submissive wife role. Obviously, when they have issues, they have to communicate about them and work them out, but I certainly don't judge one relationship over the other just because I'm conditioned to think one is more appropriate.
I may be the alpha female in many of my relationships, but that's because we all play roles and we all interact differently. I have friends who balance me out, and, in turn, I balance them out when I take control, make decisions, and speak my opinion no matter how hated I'll be for it. It's not "feminine," it's not often accepted by outsiders, but I refuse to be ashamed of the things about me that are praised in men. And, all other things related to the show aside, Kate Gosselin shouldn't have to be ashamed either. As someone who has been told I'm abrasive and bitchy and "hard for men to handle" more often than not, GIVE THE WOMAN A FUCKING BREAK. Thank you. Until you've seen the episodes of her working a double-shift as a nurse and clipping coupons and planning her exact meals so she could cheaply feed ten people, I don't want to hear about how horrible you find this woman.
Why Do We Hate Kate Gosselin?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
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Labels:
Family,
Gender Inequality,
Getting Angsty,
Pop Cultured,
Reality T.V.,
Really Important Thoughts,
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- Linda
- "I screwed up something a few months ago and I was like, 'You know who wouldn't do that? Tom Hanks. You know who would keep his mouth shut? Tom Hanks.' I should try to be like Tom Hanks." -Tina Fey
See, I don't think its a fair comparison between your grandmother and Kate Gosselin. Don't get me wrong, I like bossy loud wives who sort of tell people what to do, believe me. But with that, there is usually and underlying sort of kindness or affection that I honestly don't feel with Kate. Maybe I'm being overly critical because of my horror at their personal convictions, but her yelling and nagging always seemed to come from a judgy dictatorial place rather than a sort of loving place, or an “I know what’s best for you even if you don’t appreciate it now” way. Plus, she's always nagging about the dumbest shit. I get that having a clean house is good and important, but there is a limit. There were several times when she seemed more concerned with her appearance or how her family was coming off than the actual happiness and well being of her children (I submit the Disney World ice cream freak out as evidence).
That and the fact that with many women like that, or at least the characters we see on t.v. (which is basically what Kate Gosselin is between the hyper aware I'm on tv behavior and the editing) there's humor. That's why you can deal with it, they're funny, they're smart and usually sarcastic. Those are the qualities that we often respond to and the qualities that temper the general annoyance. Unfortunately Kate doesn’t have any of those qualities.
Look, I'm not going to say Jon is without blame. He obviously is a man-child who is pouting because he got yelled at. And everyone knows that there are two people in a marriage. He’s just as much to blame, and you’re right about his inability to communicate well. Although I feel like she’s mentioned this issue with him since the beginning of the show, so its not like its something new that arose and made their marriage difficult. I sort of think, if you’re marrying someone who’s a bit emotionally stunted like that, you kind of have to expect this is coming and either be ok with it, or just fuck ‘em to begin with.
Honestly the issue I've been talking about with friends of mine is how Jon's misery seemed to grow with the overall change of their respective roles within the family. When Jon began to take over the role of primary care-giver while his wife started to have a life and fame outside their home, that's when he just seemed to give up and his resentment grew and just crushed him. I think this couple might give people the opportunity to talk about the ramifications of men becoming primary care-givers (especially when they seem to undertake that role out of duress). Obviously I think more men should (and probably want to be) the primary care giver, but our society is so against that notion and so quick to judge men (and their partners) in that role it almost seems an impossible hurdle for men to over come, particularly if they're emotionally crippled man-children.
Then of course there's the fact that they're on reality t.v. which means that my job, as a viewer, is to judge and hate them without cause. So pfft.
I guess we just see her differently. I do think she's funny and sarcastic. And I do think my comparison is spot-on because my grandma IS judgey and dictatorial and nit-picky. Like, it's just how she deals with frustrations and emotions. It's hard for OTHER people to deal with her but it's who she is. They're actually really similar. And, having recently dated someone a little similar to Jon, I found myself being exactly like Kate. I was tense and mad over untidiness and just generally stressed because I'm a control freak. So when I snapped at him, I felt horrible but it's the only way I could deal with that behavior. If I were MARRIED and with children, I'd want to go to couples counseling. That's what I'm saying--his resentment and attitude is bullshit unless he fucking tried to work on his issues.
I do agree about men working inside the home, and what they can do to the ego/relationship. I imagine she wasn't sensitive to this issue because she saw herself holding the family up and providing. It's hard to understand just what happens to men in situations like this ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS IT.
I don't know. I think she IS loving, and that she's also human, so the appearance thing is important to her. She wants herself and the kids to look neat and tidy because that means people will know their lives are neat and tidy. I'm projecting here of course, but I just think it's ridiculous to assume that because she's a wife and mother, she'll have no human traits that make her equally flawed as her man-child husband. I just feel like we're so much more intolerant of women, especially mothers, and it pisses me off.
I agree that I think if you're married and you have a thousand kids you at least owe it to them to try some counseling or something (although at this point, if they're unable to relate to each other in a civil way then they owe it to the kids to end this thing). And who's to say that haven't been there and done that.
Although I will say, his total lack of emotional communication is frustrating, but its something that she's talked about since practically the first episode. I guess I just kind of feel like in this situation when you know that's what he's like its hard for me to feel sympathetic for you when you're complaining about the situation. Its like marrying someone without legs and complaining that they can't play with you on a trampoline...
I do agree that we judge women and mothers far too harshly, esp when compared to men. That being said, I think in her case, she's just put herself and her mothering out there I can't feel bad that everyone has turned on her. Of course its unfair that she seems to have borne the brunt of the judgment, particularly when her husband has been so in the wrong, but she's just a hard person for me to give a shit about.
Then fine: don't give a shit about her. But that's not what people are doing. They're being hateful. If you really don't give a shit, then don't bitch about her.
And I think it's really unfair to say that because someone isn't able to communicate in a HEALTHY way that you shouldn't expect to work on that in a relationship. I realize you think that because emotions make you feel weird that you're more similar to Jon, but you're able to talk about things constructively when you need to, even if you can't initiate it. And when you don't, you realize it. You're self-aware and Jon isn't. It's just why I think marriage/divorce is bullshit if we're just going to be like, "Well, he doesn't feel like talking about his anger and can't be civil! Just divorce." It's such a crap philosophy. I mean, whatever, it's better for the kids but then we shouldn't pretend like marriage is necessary.
I can't say that I've watched more than just snippets of this awful, awful show, which is why I think I'm clearly in a position to weigh in on this.
I mean, I think that they are both human garbage, mainly because I think that it's terribly exploitative to have a reality show starring eight children who aren't old enough to consent to being a part of it. But that goes without saying---every single person who's ever been on a reality show is human garbage. (That's a fact, look it up. It's on the Wikipedia page for Human garbage.)
My lasting impression from the bits I've seen has always been that Kate is just, like, really rude. For example, I was watching one of those little interview-things that they sprinkle throughout the show, and she was just smacking Jon down every time he would try to get a word in. They weren't speaking about anything contentious---she just didn't seem to want to let him talk, and was pretty rude/kept cutting him off.
However, reading your analysis of Kate as a part of the sort of larger cultural perception of relationship/gender roles is interesting. I can't really argue for or against it given my limited knowledge of the show, but I think it's important to view it through that lens in order to better understand why she's inspired the sort of vitrol that she has. (I mainly blame it on the awful hair.)
my mom is pretty much the boss, but it's only because she can actually cook. however, my dad listens to her, because he actually works, so he's not here 24 7. I don't see anything wrong with women being in charge a long as they respect their husbands. Heck, they could look like my 4-year-old brother's version of me (fat, green skin, purple hair, and stink lines) but as long a they don't treat their husbands like the untouchables, I don't see a problem with it. That's where Kate's crossed the line- she treats Jon like a dog! Jon, if what' her name is nice to you, I can't say I blame you for the divorce- Kate's fault.
Sometimes to be constructive in your life you have to destructive. It is similar to when a woman has to leave a physically or VERBALLY abusive husband. Typically we hear people in verbally abusive relationships say that although their partner never hit them, the emotional attacks and frequent disrespect was harsh and unbearable in a different way.
What I think you are not allowing for is the real actuality that Jon and Kate's marriage was a mistake. People make mistakes in relationships, and sometimes the mistake is not having recognized that you are not compatible in the long term.
A large issue in relationships is respect. Many will agree that Kate's behavior towards Jon during the show (and God knows what we didnt see) was frequently vicious and flagrantly disrespectful. So much so that it is looked as the primary reason for Jons own ultimate disrespect of cheating. Having it on camera and replayed over and over on tv hyper-focused this issue on a Global scale.
Since you are an Alpha female who acts similar to Kate, please tell me what you would do if you yourself were on tv being verbally chastized like Jon. I say this to highlight the sheer fact that there was a high probability that ANYONE put into Jon's situation would have had an adverse reaction to her behavior if they are not a complete submissive. The mistake that occurred here was Kate thinking that she could conduct herself the same way she did normally on a tv reality show and Jon would stay with her given other options.
I agree with you that Jon should have and should still better handle his commitments to his family. Getting a publich girl-friend and a new clothing line 2 weeks after announcing divorcing your wife is tasteless and speaks detrimentally about both his wife's behavior AND himself.
If we are going to try and come away from this fascination with any kind of consensus between the Kate and Jon fans it should be that this entire thing is an example of what you should NOT do in a marriage. You should NOT drive your spouse away by publically humiliating them [even if you think its is frequently 'necessary'. Much like children you can be an "Alpha female" without disrespecting your children and spouse. Even Roseanne supported Dan in his endeavors with the children far more than she ripped him down and berated him - in front of them.] Jon's behavior after leaving his wife is atrocious and he can have a separate life without publically showing his kids that he is lacking in relationship integrity.
I guess I wasn't clear enough. I'm not trying to excuse Kate's behavior, and there were instances where she was disrespectful just like Jon was undermining or passive aggressive. I guess I wasn't trying to dissect the reasons they are no longer together; I was trying to understand the extreme vitriol I've seen against Kate which seemed to me to have more to do with misogyny than anything. Everyone wants me to have sympathy for Jon and the disrespect he dealt with, but it seems odd that Kate was painted as an evil demon. But whatevs. I'm not going to convince anyone to like or love her. I just think we should explore the reasons why we feel so threatened by what she stands for.
Kate is fat, the New Dish is
cuter,
tighter(everywhere, this is second most important after the face ladies! Kegel!)
better hair.
Jon should just have 8 kids with the new booty and he would have successfully replaced her. Better body and better attitude. Actually scratch that, keep the original 8 kids and keep the better body, win-win!
Your grandmother is the product of Awesome and Chaos mating with the very essence of Sicily. That lady is great.
Great analysis! I very much enjoy this blog because it offers such a different perspective then my own.
I have watched John and Kate once while I was running on my Tony Little Gazelle. That lady seemed to be the epitome of what I hate in society. She obviously garnered attention and played up the arguments/confrontations for the camera.
The episode consisted of John clearing out an area for some overpriced play houses that were being delivered that day.
Considering it was discussed on air where they planned to place these houses, and the fact that he was clearing the area with a backhoe, there was obviously no suprise to anyone where this toddler community was being placed.
When the shipment arrived, Kate decided to alert John that she did not want that to be the final location, even though this had been the plan for MONTHS beforehand, and she spent all day watching him set the foundation down for tyke-town.
That is cunty. Cunty sprinkled with sprigs of tactful argument instigation. It is appalling.
I was unaware of her working double shifts as a nurse and cutting coupons-that definitely brings her to a different level of respect in my eyes-but it seems that she has slipped down a downward spiral of reality -tv faux celebrity entitlement that is ruining her character.
They are both fools. I think it is EXTREMELY socially irresponsible and narcissistic to bring 8 children into this world, ESPECIALLY when you lack the moral and ethical commitment to make that marriage and family unit work.
They both are at fault and deserve your scorn equally.